Conquering the negative.
I have always been a "glass half full" kind of person. I tend to have faith in the midst of challenge. But even I wasn't prepared for the stigma that comes with cancer: that one must be perpetually positive in order to come through this on the other side.
I welcome the feedback that I seem "so positive," or that my positivity is encouraging or refreshing. But I have had people literally share that positivity is critical to overcoming this and achieving the other big C: Cure.
It's a heavy burden, being positive when one feels at their lowest. Let me tell you about this last 11 or so days. I barely got out of bed. I felt decent on day 5 or 6 and went to the park with James's classmates on the day before he started school, and I paid dearly for it that evening. It was around then that I barely left the bathroom, including from gagging or vomiting whenever I tried to take my meds to prevent all the bathroom trips. My mouth tasted like metal and sandpaper, and I couldn't tolerate the mouthwash, my temp was running in the mid 99's. I had a nonstop headache. I'm anemic, and when when I went in for IV hydration last Friday, insurance still had not approved my iron infusion (because I cannot tolerate iron pills at this point). The anemia makes me dizzy, tired, pale...all of this on top of the usual side effects, which are cumulative (they build up with each treatment). It has been a very, very rough week and a half. Today is the first day I have been able to eat multiple times - in small amounts - without major consequence.
Aside from what I'm currently going through, I have had to decline near-future events that I was really looking forward to: Two weddings. A big industry panel speaking engagement in Charlotte, which I was invited to do by my deputy general counsel. The "emerging leaders" program at my job. The Corporate Counsel Women of Color Conference in Chicago, which is my favorite event of every year. All of these fall in a week following treatment, and knowing how long it takes my body to bounce back, I had to acknowledge the limitation and accept defeat.
But I have felt like I couldn't rant about any of that, until a few days ago. I started sharing. When people ask me how I'm doing, I don't say "fine" or even definitively "okay." I say I'm "managing, barely." I say this past week and a half has been brutal. I did a full on rant in a mommy group I'm in, and expressed frustration that I'm over this process already, and I'm not even half way through.
I gave myself permission to feel the thorough suckiness of this situation, and my friends gave me permission to do so, too. One friend said if I don't feel like being positive, I don't have to. Another friend said "it's okay to not be okay."
I needed that reassurance, and I'm sharing in case you do, too. I am feeling quite a bit better today and spent the day OUT of bed, and visited with friends, and still respected the fact that I needed rest and didn't push myself too hard, all of which was promising and encouraging and needed. I bought the kids a butterfly "growing" kit and we set some of the butterflies free today. I'm sure there's a metaphor in there somewhere but I'm just embracing the bittersweet and beautiful moment with my kids.
I found this quote today and it resonated with me. What I'm doing and feeling is not being pessimistic or defeatist or glass half empty. I'm simply acknowledging that I'm in battle and "conquering the negative."
"True power is in the hands of the one who thrives in the positive, after having known and conquered the negative. Because when the demons come along, she will say to those demons: 'I know you, I have owned you, but now you bow down to me.'" - C. JoyBell C.
I welcome the feedback that I seem "so positive," or that my positivity is encouraging or refreshing. But I have had people literally share that positivity is critical to overcoming this and achieving the other big C: Cure.
It's a heavy burden, being positive when one feels at their lowest. Let me tell you about this last 11 or so days. I barely got out of bed. I felt decent on day 5 or 6 and went to the park with James's classmates on the day before he started school, and I paid dearly for it that evening. It was around then that I barely left the bathroom, including from gagging or vomiting whenever I tried to take my meds to prevent all the bathroom trips. My mouth tasted like metal and sandpaper, and I couldn't tolerate the mouthwash, my temp was running in the mid 99's. I had a nonstop headache. I'm anemic, and when when I went in for IV hydration last Friday, insurance still had not approved my iron infusion (because I cannot tolerate iron pills at this point). The anemia makes me dizzy, tired, pale...all of this on top of the usual side effects, which are cumulative (they build up with each treatment). It has been a very, very rough week and a half. Today is the first day I have been able to eat multiple times - in small amounts - without major consequence.Aside from what I'm currently going through, I have had to decline near-future events that I was really looking forward to: Two weddings. A big industry panel speaking engagement in Charlotte, which I was invited to do by my deputy general counsel. The "emerging leaders" program at my job. The Corporate Counsel Women of Color Conference in Chicago, which is my favorite event of every year. All of these fall in a week following treatment, and knowing how long it takes my body to bounce back, I had to acknowledge the limitation and accept defeat.
But I have felt like I couldn't rant about any of that, until a few days ago. I started sharing. When people ask me how I'm doing, I don't say "fine" or even definitively "okay." I say I'm "managing, barely." I say this past week and a half has been brutal. I did a full on rant in a mommy group I'm in, and expressed frustration that I'm over this process already, and I'm not even half way through.
I gave myself permission to feel the thorough suckiness of this situation, and my friends gave me permission to do so, too. One friend said if I don't feel like being positive, I don't have to. Another friend said "it's okay to not be okay."
I needed that reassurance, and I'm sharing in case you do, too. I am feeling quite a bit better today and spent the day OUT of bed, and visited with friends, and still respected the fact that I needed rest and didn't push myself too hard, all of which was promising and encouraging and needed. I bought the kids a butterfly "growing" kit and we set some of the butterflies free today. I'm sure there's a metaphor in there somewhere but I'm just embracing the bittersweet and beautiful moment with my kids.
I found this quote today and it resonated with me. What I'm doing and feeling is not being pessimistic or defeatist or glass half empty. I'm simply acknowledging that I'm in battle and "conquering the negative."
"True power is in the hands of the one who thrives in the positive, after having known and conquered the negative. Because when the demons come along, she will say to those demons: 'I know you, I have owned you, but now you bow down to me.'" - C. JoyBell C.
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