Resilience: Moving from Surviving to Thriving.

Infusion day was yesterday, meaning today is my "grace period" day before things start to go downhill.  The grace period day is courtesy of the really good long-lasting nausea meds that they put in the IV pre-chemo, and the steroids.  I will say, infusion day yesterday was possibly my easiest one yet.  Perhaps my body is adjusting to the benadryl and ativan? Perhaps it was the skipping of one antibody drug this round?  Whatever it was, it also led to a better than usual grace period day and I took advantage.

I mentioned before (I think) that I am a 2019 LCLD Fellow (Leadership Council on Legal Diversity).  Two representatives from my employer are chosen to participate in the year long program, along with all other participant law firm and corporate legal department selections, during which we meet three times for nearly three days each of personal and professional develop and leadership training.  The sessions, and the relationships with other Fellows, are truly invaluable, and I was sad to be missing the second set of meetings due to chemo.  If I would have had chemo on schedule, I certainly would have missed the entire thing.  But because it was pushed to Monday and today was grace period day, I gave myself a couple of hours to drive into DC, eat lunch with the group, and attend a session.  It turned out, I picked a great one: Resilience - The Key to Moving from Surviving to Thriving, by featured speaker John Mitchell of KM Advisors LLC.

Resilience: the ability to become strong, healthy, or successful again after something bad happens.

We talked about how we need to celebrate small victories, use humor to get through the hard times, and acknowledge the things that are bigger than us that keep us going in adversarial times.  We talked about how resilience feeds into the ability of corporations and individuals in corporations to function in dramatically changed circumstances.  And then the fun part: he wanted volunteers to share their stories of a time of great challenge at work or in life, and how we employed these tactics to be resilient.  A couple people were slow to raise their hands, stand, and speak.  No one else did, and the room got quiet.  So I went.

"I hadn't exactly planned to broadcast this, but since you asked the question...I have breast cancer and I am currently in chemotherapy.  I finished my third of six rounds of chemo yesterday.  This entire experience has been an exercise in resilience.  It fell at a time when things were going really well for me at work, and it was difficult to have to cancel speaking engagements, an emerging leaders program, important conferences.  But I knew that I needed to prioritize this challenge, and told myself that I can do these things next year.  I have celebrated the small victories, such as being able to come here on the day after treatment when I feel okay, or making it to Dallas last week to our leadership offsite, because it fell at a time when I felt best.  I do use humor to get me through it, and I rely on my driving forces, which are my kids.  I am putting my all into being a mother, a wife, an employee, and being on the other side of this, and that's all I can do right now." And I sat down.  And the room erupted in applause and the speaker thanked me and told me I have 350 people in the room supporting me.  It was a relief, yet emotional.

After the session, I had people come up to me.  One person thanked me for being brave.  One person came up to me and said "this might be weird, but I just wanted to give you a hug, and tell you we are all supporting you, and you will be in my prayers."  Another person came up to me and said, "I've wanted to talk to you since our Exelon Learning Experience trip, because you said something there that I have used in stories since.  It was about the imposter syndrome.  I left that experience and told my husband about it and then started telling everyone I knew: this woman, who is a badass, successful, powerful, attorney stood up in front of the crowd and admitted that she deals with the imposter syndrome, and how she gets past it. That resonated with me so much, and then today you shared what you're going through, and I'm just amazed by how brave you are."

Ironically, I had the urge to look over my shoulder and say "who, me?" Have I lived up to such complimentary statements or hype? (Hello?  Imposter syndrome?  Is it me you're looking for?) He did originally say “badass woman partner” and I corrected that part but said I would take the rest. I've been completely humbled and overwhelmed by the support I have received from people.  I've had co-workers, old friends, and old bosses shed tears when I gave them the news, saying that they think I'm a special person and this is unthinkable or overwhelming.  I'm always quick to brush it off, like don't worry about little old me. It's the very definition of imposter syndrome, right?

A friend asked recently in a mutual Facebook group, "when you die, what do you imagine will be your legacy?"  My answer was that I hope people will remember me through my kids and the footprint they will have on society because I helped mold them into good people.  That I maintained strong mentee/mentor relationships.  That my philanthropy and work in the diversity & inclusion space in corporate/legal America was not in vein. That I was strong and dependable as a friend and colleague, and had a great work ethic.

I think, in addition to being my legacy, that this is how I maintain resilience.  I fully aim to move from surviving to thriving, being myself, and building on that legacy.  And I hope I am perceived that way.  And I hope some day I believe and accept I am the person that others may use in their stories, without doubting myself.

What do you want your legacy to be, and how do YOU remain resilient?

Oh, and pics or it didn't happen: I AM HALFWAY DONE WITH CHEMO!