The good days are really good.
I had a fantastic week leading up to this third infusion. After how terribly my last recovery went, it was so refreshing to feel semi-normal for a week and a half, and do semi-normal things. I took my daughter to swim lessons. I took kids to gymnastics. I cooked. I shopped for clothes. Coffee returned to tasting somewhat normal. I have felt more exhausted than usual, but overall was feeling pretty great, all things considered.
On the Saturday before infusion, I sat on a panel for the American Bar Association, and represented my employer on a timely discussion on diversity in the legal profession. I got to do so next to a law school friend. Then I got on a plane and flew to Dallas for our legal department leadership offsite. I know it sounds so nerdy, but I really felt energized to be surrounded by nearly 300 lawyer co-workers, in conference sessions in a freezing conference room, and networking with colleagues that I usually only hear through the phone or see on email. I had fun. I felt valued. I appreciated my workplace. I even wore a mask on the plane, to protect myself and my immune system against airplane germs.
I got very little sleep the night before we left, and I felt it. My body felt heavy and exhausted. I went to the evening reception at the Bush Library, which, ignoring my political affiliations, was a nice venue (and I took a pic in the "oval office." Sharing a cropped version to protect my co-workers!). I got to catch up with one of my law school BFFs. Being surrounded by friends, old and new, and co-workers was so good for my soul, but...the moment I got on the plane to go home, I started to feel the rising anxiety. Eleven hours after I landed would be the next infusion. By the time I landed, I was tearing up while texting my husband and Facetiming my mom and kids. I didn't want to break down, especially after having such a positive few days, but I just wasn't ready to put my body through another 10 days of hell.
Infusion day was also our 9th wedding anniversary. Now, there are a million things I can think of that would be better options for spending an anniversary, but in reality, as my husband pointed out, it was likely the only way we would have spent it together! Being in the infusion room is 8 hours of just us (and doctors), whereas we would have been working all day otherwise. I met with my oncologist for a while and talked about a revised plan to hopefully make my recovery a little less horrible. We were going to skip one of the antibody meds, to give my body a break from the lost fluids it was causing. I had lost more weight, so my doctor talked about recalculating my chemo meds, which sounded heavenly (the less I need, the better). I got upstairs for my blood draw, and talked through my side effects and meds with the nurse. We got ready to start, and I had saline going,...and the nurse returned and said my platelets were too low for infusion. SIGH!
As much as I was dreading infusion that day, I had also psyched myself up so much, that the thought of mentally preparing, packing my chemo bag, and leaving the house really early to try all over again in a few days seemed even worse. I also wanted to be able to say that I was halfway done.
This is the second time in a row that my platelets plummeted. Before I started chemo, my platelets were around 210K. After the first infusion, they had fallen to 103K. And after the second infusion, they had dropped to 70K. The nurses worked out when I had to come back, which was no easy feat because we have to coordinate with cold capping and nurse availability. The nurse cautioned me not to run into any walls or otherwise hurt myself, because my body does not have the ability to clot as well as normal. No pressure! This also likely means that this will be a pattern and I may have to take another week break before another infusion and before surgery.
So I got the iron infusion and was sent on my way, only to have to return on Monday. I am trying to embrace the fact that I now have a weekend to spend with my kids and breathe fresh air, rather than being immobile and feeling horrible in bed. I do have to be careful and steer clear of germs as well, because my white blood cell count is also below normal.
All of this also means that I have to miss my LCLD (Leadership Council on Legal Diversity) program meetings on Monday through Wednesday, including the reception at the Portrait Gallery that I was looking forward to. I will miss the networking and the dinners and the professional development sessions that I had also looked forward to, and I am trying not to dwell.
What I did get out of it was a great lunch with my hubby. We left the infusion center at 12:30, and I felt fine thanks to not getting Benadryl. When the server asked if we wanted dessert, I said we should look at it because it was our anniversary. He gave us complimentary champagne with edible orchids, and, when we couldn't decide on a dessert to share, he brought us one of each of the two we were deciding on, complimentary. Sometimes, the universe really knows what we need, even if it does mean some sacrifice on the horizon, failed plans, disappointment, and lack of control. I will enjoy the weekend, and will not dwell on what I am missing out on. 2020 will be the year of great things. For now, I will enjoy the good days, which are really good.
I got very little sleep the night before we left, and I felt it. My body felt heavy and exhausted. I went to the evening reception at the Bush Library, which, ignoring my political affiliations, was a nice venue (and I took a pic in the "oval office." Sharing a cropped version to protect my co-workers!). I got to catch up with one of my law school BFFs. Being surrounded by friends, old and new, and co-workers was so good for my soul, but...the moment I got on the plane to go home, I started to feel the rising anxiety. Eleven hours after I landed would be the next infusion. By the time I landed, I was tearing up while texting my husband and Facetiming my mom and kids. I didn't want to break down, especially after having such a positive few days, but I just wasn't ready to put my body through another 10 days of hell.Infusion day was also our 9th wedding anniversary. Now, there are a million things I can think of that would be better options for spending an anniversary, but in reality, as my husband pointed out, it was likely the only way we would have spent it together! Being in the infusion room is 8 hours of just us (and doctors), whereas we would have been working all day otherwise. I met with my oncologist for a while and talked about a revised plan to hopefully make my recovery a little less horrible. We were going to skip one of the antibody meds, to give my body a break from the lost fluids it was causing. I had lost more weight, so my doctor talked about recalculating my chemo meds, which sounded heavenly (the less I need, the better). I got upstairs for my blood draw, and talked through my side effects and meds with the nurse. We got ready to start, and I had saline going,...and the nurse returned and said my platelets were too low for infusion. SIGH!
As much as I was dreading infusion that day, I had also psyched myself up so much, that the thought of mentally preparing, packing my chemo bag, and leaving the house really early to try all over again in a few days seemed even worse. I also wanted to be able to say that I was halfway done.
This is the second time in a row that my platelets plummeted. Before I started chemo, my platelets were around 210K. After the first infusion, they had fallen to 103K. And after the second infusion, they had dropped to 70K. The nurses worked out when I had to come back, which was no easy feat because we have to coordinate with cold capping and nurse availability. The nurse cautioned me not to run into any walls or otherwise hurt myself, because my body does not have the ability to clot as well as normal. No pressure! This also likely means that this will be a pattern and I may have to take another week break before another infusion and before surgery.
So I got the iron infusion and was sent on my way, only to have to return on Monday. I am trying to embrace the fact that I now have a weekend to spend with my kids and breathe fresh air, rather than being immobile and feeling horrible in bed. I do have to be careful and steer clear of germs as well, because my white blood cell count is also below normal.
All of this also means that I have to miss my LCLD (Leadership Council on Legal Diversity) program meetings on Monday through Wednesday, including the reception at the Portrait Gallery that I was looking forward to. I will miss the networking and the dinners and the professional development sessions that I had also looked forward to, and I am trying not to dwell.
What I did get out of it was a great lunch with my hubby. We left the infusion center at 12:30, and I felt fine thanks to not getting Benadryl. When the server asked if we wanted dessert, I said we should look at it because it was our anniversary. He gave us complimentary champagne with edible orchids, and, when we couldn't decide on a dessert to share, he brought us one of each of the two we were deciding on, complimentary. Sometimes, the universe really knows what we need, even if it does mean some sacrifice on the horizon, failed plans, disappointment, and lack of control. I will enjoy the weekend, and will not dwell on what I am missing out on. 2020 will be the year of great things. For now, I will enjoy the good days, which are really good.
.jpg)
Comments
Post a Comment