Work work work work work 🎵

All throughout chemo, I was regularly asked if I was still working, and met with shock when I said yes.  I actually tried to take a conference call during my first infusion, and that was the last time that happened because work and IV benadryl do not mix.  But aside from infusion day, I wasn't "out of office" through treatment.  I WAS, however, candid with my employer and my internal clients.  In the week following each infusion, there were many times when I simply was not up for conference calls and successfully moved them.  I was honest with myself and my colleagues about my capabilities.

Why?

Because...I like working, and I need routine.  I have a strong desire to be seen as dependable, sure, but in true Control Enthusiast fashion, I also believe I do my job very well and the thought of other people doing my job while I'm away makes me anxious. 

I am also sharpest when I am working.  The moments when my brain is really firing on all cylinders?  When my To Do lists are overflowing and questions and demands are coming at me from multiple directions.  It isn't for everyone, I know, but I do my best work when I'm under pressure.  I am a better mom when I'm in routine.

So when it came time for surgery, I was struggling with taking two weeks off.  I had planned to take the time as vacation or sick time, but was encouraged at the last minute to file for actual medical leave, to preserve a potential Short Term Disability claim if things had gone south during surgery.  I spent the 24 hours leading up to surgery working that out through my employer and the provider, and then promptly learned that while on medical leave, I would be kicked off the system.  I could hear emails coming in, but couldn't read them.  And I was...surprisingly okay with it.

Surgery kicked my butt in ways I hadn't expected.  Chemo made me feel debilitatingly nauseous and tired and had a host of other horrible symptoms, like the vertigo.  But I could take things one conference call at a time.  Surgery largely incapacitated me for a bit.  I literally slept for nearly the first 24 hours after surgery, getting the anesthesia out of my system.  I was miserable and couldn't move well for a week.  At two weeks, I had my drain out and was so disheartened to learn that it didn't give me the freedom I had hoped for.  And, when they removed the air from my expander and replaced it with saline, I was in PAIN.  So much more pain than I had anticipated.  I was also...fatigued.  Exhausted.  The cumulation of chemo plus surgery has been a lot to maneuver, and my sleep needs are heightened.

I was set to return to work the day after my drain came out.  I took two conference calls (because I gained access to my calendar hours before the calls were set to happen), and then candidly told my boss that I wasn't ready.  To be fair, he AND his boss had already encouraged me to take more time.  

It turns out, keeping up the routine of work also helps manage my anxiety.  When I gained access to our systems again and saw the several hundreds of emails that were unread, and saw calls scheduled in the day or two that I came back, I was completely overwhelmed.  The moment I lost control of my To Do lists and calendar was the moment when things piled up and felt unmanageable.  

I tried brewing a cup of coffee in between those two calls that first day, and not only did I not put a cup under it, but it was literally overflowing all over the place AS I WAS STANDING RIGHT THERE filling the coffee pod tray.  I knew at that point that I had to admit that it wasn't time.  And I listened to my boss (and his boss) and laid low for a few more days until after the long President's Day weekend when I felt more equipped to take on the world.

Today was technically the first day, and I spent it at the infusion center for my Herceptin infusion.  I completed 9 of 18 Herceptins, so that is something!  And I came home to these beautiful flowers from my main internal client: "From your friends in GES.  So very happy to have you back!"

It is nice to be at a place that appreciates me and my contributions, but gives me the space I need to heal.  They will continue to get my loyalty.  p.s. I got a big promotion at the end of the year, that officially went into effect while I was on medical leave. :)

Fun Fact:  I started working at age 13 as a dishwasher.  I worked 2-3 jobs through undergrad, doing everything from tending salad bar and bussing tables, to working as a hostess, waitress, bank teller, wholesale flower salesperson, HR intern, real estate receptionist, after school program supervisor, gas station attendant, and staff assistant for a U.S. Senator, before going on to become a lawyer. 

Fun Fact #2: I can't believe I forgot about the 2 years I spent as a freelance Spanish interpreter for the city.  I became popular for the overnight shift in labor and delivery at the hospital, because I was available and willing (after hours paid even more!).  THAT was a memorable couple of years, including when I interpreted through an epidural placement.