99 Problems
As you can see, I have been finding it harder to get the motivation to write. And the more days that pass, the more I have that I want to say, and the more overwhelming it feels to put it to paper. But writing has been so tremendously helpful for me as an outlet, as documentation of this life-changing year, and to share with others who are going through it or have family members going through it.
Since the last update, I have now completed two more rounds of Herceptin. I now have two left to completion. On the logistics front, I finish up with cancer treatments on August 4th, and I have my exchange surgery on August 10th. In between then and now, I am having uterine surgery on July 17th to tackle those issues that began right before diagnosis. I'm trying not to panic over COVID19 concerns of being in a hospital multiple times in the next month and a half, as I prepare for both procedures AND have my quarterly echocardiogram.
I also celebrated my 40th birthday since the last post, and to say this isn't how I envisioned ringing in 40 would be an understatement. I suppose I also hadn't expected to own a dresser full of pull on jeans when I turned 40, but here we are.
I'm losing hair by the cluster. I have little piles of hair all over the house, because it just comes right out and I try to collect it so it doesn't clog the vacuum or collect on the couch or floors or, worse, in our food. But it's been a futile effort. These are comparisons from January - after I had been through all my rounds of chemo - to current/June.
I finally saw a dermatologist who is affiliated with my cancer center, who said it is from a combination of unbalanced hormones - specifically high androgens thanks to the Tamoxifen - and a delayed stress response from the cancer and chemo. Technically, "androgenic alopecia" and "telogen effluvium." I've been taking a medication to balance the hormones, which has helped some. And I have been prescribed rogaine, which I haven't started yet.
My running list of "Problems" or "Conditions," as they are called interchangeably in my patient portal gives me both chuckles and disbelief. I mean...."acquired absence of breast" makes it sound almost delightful. The one crossed out was from a visit preceding breast cancer. The rest of these are all from the last year, and the list doesn't even include my gynecological visits and issues!
I'm generally doing "okay." Emotionally, I have some work to do to process the last year and, frankly, the future. Things don't really go back to normal after this. Emotionally, it is complicated by the weight of the world and news at the moment, and I'm finding it difficult not to internalize the pain of all of the senseless killings and losses of life.
I'm exhausted. By late afternoon into early evening, I hit a wall. Sometimes I need a nap to even make it to the evening routine. Today, my oncologist said this is normal and that I need to give myself a full year after finishing chemo to let my body get back to normal.
On the positive side, I am learning to give myself grace. Normally, once I set my mind to something, I hold myself to it. Like the first time I did a 30 day abs challenge and actually did all of the exercises on the assigned day, simply to have the satisfaction of completing the challenge. I tried to do it again a couple months ago, and I had to accept that I just couldn't do it every day. I was doing well with yoga or bike riding nearly every day, and then I hit a wall, and accepted that I was in a recovery cycle and needed to give myself a break. I am also continuing to take time off from work if I need it, declining extracurricular (virtual) invitations, delegating tasks, and postponing calls if I'm not up for it. These things are not easy for me, and I like to think they are contributing to my personal growth.
I went into this experience knowing there would be life lessons to pay attention to, and I wasn't wrong. I have seemingly 99 problems, but for now, my own stubbornness is not one.
p.s. my replacement hair is growing in nicely.
Since the last update, I have now completed two more rounds of Herceptin. I now have two left to completion. On the logistics front, I finish up with cancer treatments on August 4th, and I have my exchange surgery on August 10th. In between then and now, I am having uterine surgery on July 17th to tackle those issues that began right before diagnosis. I'm trying not to panic over COVID19 concerns of being in a hospital multiple times in the next month and a half, as I prepare for both procedures AND have my quarterly echocardiogram.
I also celebrated my 40th birthday since the last post, and to say this isn't how I envisioned ringing in 40 would be an understatement. I suppose I also hadn't expected to own a dresser full of pull on jeans when I turned 40, but here we are.
I'm losing hair by the cluster. I have little piles of hair all over the house, because it just comes right out and I try to collect it so it doesn't clog the vacuum or collect on the couch or floors or, worse, in our food. But it's been a futile effort. These are comparisons from January - after I had been through all my rounds of chemo - to current/June.  |
| Today. |
My running list of "Problems" or "Conditions," as they are called interchangeably in my patient portal gives me both chuckles and disbelief. I mean...."acquired absence of breast" makes it sound almost delightful. The one crossed out was from a visit preceding breast cancer. The rest of these are all from the last year, and the list doesn't even include my gynecological visits and issues!
I'm generally doing "okay." Emotionally, I have some work to do to process the last year and, frankly, the future. Things don't really go back to normal after this. Emotionally, it is complicated by the weight of the world and news at the moment, and I'm finding it difficult not to internalize the pain of all of the senseless killings and losses of life.
I'm exhausted. By late afternoon into early evening, I hit a wall. Sometimes I need a nap to even make it to the evening routine. Today, my oncologist said this is normal and that I need to give myself a full year after finishing chemo to let my body get back to normal.
On the positive side, I am learning to give myself grace. Normally, once I set my mind to something, I hold myself to it. Like the first time I did a 30 day abs challenge and actually did all of the exercises on the assigned day, simply to have the satisfaction of completing the challenge. I tried to do it again a couple months ago, and I had to accept that I just couldn't do it every day. I was doing well with yoga or bike riding nearly every day, and then I hit a wall, and accepted that I was in a recovery cycle and needed to give myself a break. I am also continuing to take time off from work if I need it, declining extracurricular (virtual) invitations, delegating tasks, and postponing calls if I'm not up for it. These things are not easy for me, and I like to think they are contributing to my personal growth.
I went into this experience knowing there would be life lessons to pay attention to, and I wasn't wrong. I have seemingly 99 problems, but for now, my own stubbornness is not one.
p.s. my replacement hair is growing in nicely.
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