Scanxiety.

Let me tell you about today.

Because I kept the "healthy" breast, I still have annual mammograms on that side, and a chest MRI annually (alternating one or the other every 6 months). Today was my first post-diagnosis mammogram.

I had heard the term "scanxiety" and knew that was the reason many people opted for a double mastectomy: for peace of mind and that they would NOT have to deal with routine and ongoing scans.  I knew I would deal with it, but I also knew that the anxiety of no scans would be heavier than the anxiety of having them.

But I was not fully prepared to be back in that waiting room. In fact, I got through the intake process and was waiting to be called back and started crying as I waited. It was more than the anxiety of the images; it was that being back in that waiting room was triggering.

Last year, I had the first round of images and was sent to the mammogram waiting room.  I was there for an excruciating twenty minutes, convincing myself that of course it wasn't cancer.  And then they came back and asked me for a second round of images in the left breast, and then I went back to the waiting room for another twenty minutes, letting doubt creep in, before they asked me to come back for a third round of images on that breast, tighter in, at which point I was crying.  And then they shared the tentative results and sent me for in the ultrasound.

All of that memory came crashing back to me. And as I sat there, listening to feet walking down the hallway, approaching the waiting area, passing by me... I agonized.  

Finally, the radiologist came in and this time, she delivered the news that everything looked good.  And then I burst into tears, and she asked if I was okay. I said yes, I just wasn't prepared for the emotional weight of being back in that room.  Sigh.  I had taken a scared selfie a year ago in the waiting room, so took this one (as well as a photo of my results) for posterity.  I'm a year old, wiser, more ragged but more healthy.

Before the appointment, I had listened to an "Overcoming Obstacles" session with Olympian Amy Van Dyken.  And after all that, I had to rush home and be "on" for an interview of sorts, for a new extracurricular leadership opportunity.  After letting the anxiety creep in before my scan, I let the imposter syndrome creep in for this meeting. I was meeting with people who had been doing this for 17-20 years already, who have had far longer careers than mine thus far.  And as soon as I got on the phone, one of the men asked to go first, and he said "Well I hope you can join us, because your resume is impressive," and later added that they would "be well-served to have me."

And I chose to believe him.

I don't know if anyone else needs to hear this today, but you are worthy.  You are capable.  You are resilient. You are needed. And schedule that mammogram you’ve been putting off.