Survival Mode/Survivor Guilt.

I have been trying to warm up to the whole "survivor" thing.  After: 

6 chemotherapy infusions 

8-10 IV hydrations

2 iron infusions

17 immunotherapy infusions 

3 surgeries 

I have wrapped up what I hope will be my most trying year in life.  The only thing left right now is this daily pill - for another 9.5 years - and likely another surgery if I care about cosmetics (or better, if I DON'T care about cosmetics and explant these things).

This last surgery was hard.  So many people in my support groups said this was easy, no big deal, etc.  And I have to think they mean "comparatively," because it just hasn't been a walk in the park.  But in addition to the reconstruction on my breasts, I needed fat grafting to create a buffer because the implant is over the muscle, which means  it's right under the skin.  And because my surgical oncologist did a thorough job of cleaning everything out during the mastectomy, I have thin skin and no fat left.  For fat grafting, they did lipo from both hips, both obliques, and two spots in my lower abdomen.  I have stitches in those four places, plus the place they injected the fat, plus end to end under both breasts, plus where my port was removed.  My hips and groin are numb from the lipo tool.  Apparently it can stretch the nerves and make them angry, and I'm assured I will get feeling back in 3-12 months (!!!).  I also get really itchy during the healing, which means benedryl or I will hurt myself in my sleep. 

But.  Each day I am stronger.  My oncologist said to give it a year after active treatment to feel like myself, but I am determined to live a healthier and stronger life in the meantime.  I was able to walk the mile and a half around the neighborhood yesterday for the first time, 2.5 weeks after surgery, and was able to do some gardening work today.  So I suppose in that sense it was easier than the first one.

I've also been determined to get my mind stronger.  While painting with Vivian the other day, I was doing something...abstract.  And it struck me to paint "survivor" in pink through it, and then paint, scattered, over it.  And I suppose that is representative of where I am currently.

So, this shirt.   I had them made for me and my chemo buddy before we finished chemo. It started as a joke with my chemo nurse, when we were discussing a message on a different shirt I was wearing.  We joked that I couldn't wait until I could have the shirt that said "That time I had cancer."

But I haven't been able to wear it.  Part of it has been about the feeling that I will jinx it.  Part of it has been about being unable to embrace that I'm a survivor.  And the largest part of it has been...about those that were just as strong as me, and who also followed their doctor's advice and did all the right things and changed their lifestyles and they weren't as lucky as me. Survivor's guilt. I put it on today, at Vivian's urging, because she said the shirt was "so cool" and I should "wear it every day."

I'm struggling really hard - as are so many that I know - over the loss of Chadwick Boseman.  My first thought was that I was sad he had battled in quiet.  I was sad that he didn't use his platform to educate others on colon cancer.  And then I told myself: he chose privacy and humility.  People call me brave for sharing my story, but I have never felt brave because I process things by speaking them out loud and this was natural.  Chadwick processed in privacy.  And he was brave, and strong, in so many other ways.

Representation matters. Representation in who we and our kids see as superheroes.  Representation from Howard and other HBCU's, representation in young people with cancer and being self-advocates.  This beautiful sole and beautiful human spent his years focusing on and deferring the spotlight to others who were also struggling.  Even at the end, his last video was about Jackie Robinson. This man was going through chemo while filming a huge move and doing his own stunts.  He was battling this adversity as he delivered one of the most inspiring commencement speeches I've heard.

I can only aspire to be so brave and strong and humble as him. Rest in peace and power, Chadwick.  Thank you for being such an inspiration and a real life superhero.